My golly, if there is one thing that no one warns you about, it is the breastfeeding journey. I assumed that it would come naturally and be easy. Boy was I wrong. Breastfeeding has been by far the most challenging part of becoming a new mom, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Vivian seemed to latch okay in the hospital to start, but then I would try again later and she wouldn’t seem interested. Sometimes I could get her on for a bit, and other times, no luck. The nurses brought me a pump for the times that she didn’t seem to want to latch so that I could attempt to get some colostrum out. It looked like such a small amount, but they assured me that it was great! While I was pumping, she started to get fussy, so I tried latching her again and it worked! When the nurses came back, they also rubbed the expressed colostrum in her mouth and on her gums to make sure she was getting as much as possible. As I mentioned in a previous post, keeping her blood sugar up was super important at this early stage since she was so teeny tiny.
Once we got home, I continued to latch as often as possible to keep her happy. Not long after, the nipple pain set in. Having baby attached somewhat constantly was a new thing for my body and there was absolutely an adjustment period. It felt like Mike or my mom would bring Vivian to me, being time to eat again, and it felt like already?! It was so constant and I just couldn’t catch a break.
Was she eating so often because she wasn’t getting enough milk? The questions swirled through my mind, and I couldn’t help but constantly worry and think that I wasn’t enough for her. She also seemed to have the most outrageous tummy troubles, and I was certain that it was my fault and something that I was eating. Many resources that I found online stated that breastmilk is made from your blood rather than your diet, but a dairy allergy was a possibility. I quickly cut dairy from my diet to see if any improvements would be seen, but this was a long journey of its own and I will do another post on this portion.
Both nipples began cracking, and one got quite raw. It was so hard to allow them to heal because there was simply no time to rest. Luckily after a few days, one side seemed to have figured it out and was back to normal. The other side was quite the opposite and was completely raw. I started trying any home remedies that I could find – the organic nipple butters, coconut oil, saline soak, breastmilk, air drying, etc. You name it, I probably tried it. A mama Facebook group that I followed recommended asking the OB for a prescription for ‘All purpose nipple ointment’ (APNO) so I quickly made an appointment and was able to get in the same day. This was supposed to be magical and a quick fix. Again – this unfortunately was not the case for me and I couldn’t find any relief, it kept getting worse and worse.
I tried to rest the one side, feeding off the other side and bottle feeding in between for a couple of days, but pumping around the clock was exhausting, time consuming, and mentally draining, so I gave up after only a couple of days, and pressed on to keep Vivian fed.
To no surprise, my nipple was only getting worse. I tried making another appointment with the OB because I was so terrified that I was going to end up with an infection. At this point, my nipple was completely cracked open and totally raw. It luckily wasn’t bleeding, but was bright red. The OB recommended seeing the lactation consultants instead as they were the breastfeeding experts.
I packed up and brought Vivian in and held back tears as I explained my situation to the lactation consultant. I was so worried that I had let it get to the point of no return and would be told that there was no hope. The lactation consultant was so reassuring and said there was no need to end our breastfeeding journey unless that was what I wanted to do.
Vivian had been gaining weight well, so she was obviously eating just fine. The lactation consultant checked her latch and said that it looked great. Our guess was that there simply wasn’t time to allow the nipple to heal between feedings, which was why it hadn’t been getting any better. She said I could continue to feed on it if pumping was too hard, but to let it rest when I could. She also recommended purchasing some nipple shells from Amazon so the nipple could air dry after feeding. She said this wasn’t something she had seen before and would discuss with some of her colleagues for any additional advice. I left with a bit of relief, but still some concern for how it was going to heal.
The next day, another lactation consultant called me back, and recommended making an appointment with a wound care center since it seemed like an open wound. This was incredibly disheartening because I was so sure that they would be the ones to now encourage ending the breastfeeding journey. All of the hope I had regained was now lost.
I found a local wound care center and called to make an appointment. They had nothing available for a week, so my anxiety rose as I awaited this appointment that I was so nervous for. I was now determined to let this nipple rest until my appointment to see if it would get any better. I pumped the left side exclusively and we bottle fed Vivian during those feedings. The times that Mike was available to help made it a little bit more convenient, but the times he was working would make it feel like a juggling session to pump and get her fed without a fuss.
I decided I would try allowing Viv to feed off the damaged side about 36 hours before my appointment to see how it went. That way I would still have time to cancel the appointment if I needed to. At this time, my nipple seemed to be quite a bit better – it no longer looked completely opened, but was still the slightest bit raw and red after the feeding. I decided to call and push my appointment back one week in hopes of completely solving the issue on my own.
I continued the cycle of feeding on the opposite side and pumping for another tiring week, and to my very happy surprise by this next 36 hour mark, my nipple was back to a new normal and was no longer raw. I was overjoyed and cancelled my appointment. I was so glad that I could carry on breastfeeding in a much more comfortable way.
Throughout this journey of just a few short (or long) months, I have already learned so much. Most importantly, is to give yourself a little grace, because as a new mom, there are so many new experiences and not everything will go as planned. It is so easy to hope to breastfeed your little one, and it is so important to know that not everything will come easily. I have absolutely nothing against formula feeding my baby, but the thought of how expensive that was going to be when I was already out of a job seemed daunting.
There were so many days when I just wanted to throw the towel in from pure exhaustion, but I am so glad that I pushed through. The best thing that I did was set mini goals for my breastfeeding journey so that it didn’t seem like one never-ending adventure. Ideally, I would love to make it a full year of breastfeeding, but when each day was so questionable, this seemed unachievable. I first wanted to make it to six weeks, then two months, three months, etc. Now, here we are at almost five months and still going strong.
I’m sure more challenges will come my way over these next few months, but I feel much more confident in taking these on, and coming out stronger on the other side now. For now, it’s a wonderful bonding experience for the two of us, filled with snuggles, and now her active self loves to play with my face while she eats or snap my bra strap on me. 😖😂
Mamas supporting other mamas through the wild ride of breastfeeding is so important, and I am lucky to have so many great ladies in my life that I could talk to about this. Most importantly, remember that a fed baby is the best, so if breastfeeding doesn’t work out, that is perfectly fine too!
Laugh Often – Rachel
Simply Stoops 